Unfiltered

So I'm having a rough day today.  I now realize the title of this post is wrong because I can't NOT filter and keep a job, so I'll filter some things, but I will allow myself to ramble on wildly.  Firstly, I don't see what the heck is so special about a new year. We have new hours, new days, all the time and we can make resolutions anytime we please, why do it for the new year?  I resolve to change myself all the time and usually fall way short.  I'm going to publish this, but seeing my views report for this blog practically no one will read it anyways, so why do I care? I don't know that I do.  There is a lot of uncaring right now.  No one is partying at my house.  My wife is sleeping and it's 10pm. My kids are all off doing their own thing like they always do.  I need to find the joy in life.  I have a very good family, a nice job and all of my immediate family is healthy for the most part.  I think God loves me and sometimes I believe I feel that love pretty directly in my life, but I forget it sometimes. I believe in the principles of faith and repentance. It gives me hope for forgiveness, though I have a hard time forgiving myself.  I've gotten better at forgiving others because I need to hope that I can be forgiven.  My kids went to a party in the middle of the day, now I guess they are partied out?  I don't know.   I think I want ice cream.  That's probably me wanting to eat my feelings though.  Back to the not sure I care about that right now.  If you're actually reading this post, this isn't the normal me. This is the way too tired, stressed and slightly burnt out me who is down on himself for not reaching personal goals and being pretty lame.  Some things are going better.  Family prayers and scripture study 2 days in a row now after having gone a couple of weeks without.  I hope we can move that earlier in the day so that we have cushion before rushing off to school again on Monday.  At least I'm playing better chess than I ever have. At least blitz chess. I don't have time for real sit down and think about it chess anymore.  Who has time for that. I'm playing 3 and 5 minute time controls.  Sometimes I play 1 minute time controls, but that's just crazy and I fail at it at least as much because I'm not fast with my devices than I'm playing horrible chess.  Of course just about everyone plays horrible chess at that speed.  I think I even got a couple of scalps that way in some open online tournaments because even the good players make bad blunders occasionally at those time controls.   So my mind has wandered quite a bit here.  I'm doubtful anyone will read this all the way through as it has no entertainment value whatsoever, right?  I suck so bad at this.  Oh well, back to that feeling of apathy again.  I miss having a friend.  Is it the life of a man to give up friends when he becomes a father and spend all his time fathering and worrying, avoiding responsibility and failing?  I doubt this is the way it is supposed to be.   I keep telling myself that just being here is better than the life of half of their peers because most Dads bail.  I love my kids.  I love my wife.  I rarely love myself.  I think I would love them better if I loved myself more.  Tired and hungry is calling me and I think I must be done with this ramble rant word salad.

 Peace Out --

Mountain Wizard